darkness

The dark sky within my head is spinning round, it’s blanking out the sun, the little light that is getting through is tainted, it hits the dark statues of the evil that’s within, it hits them and vanishes, it’s absorbed, no light hits the barren ground, nothing grows and nothing survives.

The fires just leap from place to place, they set about destroying everything that is good, everything that tries to keep me above the surface, that tries to keep me balanced, it’s starting to slip and the cracks are appearing and becoming bigger and bigger. People are noticing them and even poking the soft darkness that shows through.

Taking away the darkness what’s left is an empty shell, an empty shell that smiles and grins when required, that laughs when possible, but there is no emotions there. A shell that doesn’t know how to change it.

Step away what do you see, someone whose happy, someone who smiles, someone who is hurt and scared, someone who you can’t make eye contact with, someone who cracks and shatters at the first touch of kindness.

darkness

Compassion

feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

Compassion is a hard feeling to quantify however it is a feeling that I feel day in and day out in my job, I work as a nurse in a care home, I spend my time with my residents and their families. I help the relatives through hard times, I help the residents daily on a one to one level to help them with whatever needs they have. Compassion isn’t something that you learn it’s something that comes from within, it’s something that sparks inside and helps you, help others.

What is compassion and how is it different from empathy or altruism? The definition of compassion is often confused with that of empathy. Empathy, as defined by researchers, is the visceral or emotional experience of another person’s feelings. It is, in a sense, an automatic mirroring of another’s emotion, like tearing up at a friend’s sadness. Altruism is an action that benefits someone else. It may or may not be accompanied by empathy or compassion, for example in the case of making a donation for tax purposes. Although these terms are related to compassion, they are not identical. Compassion often does, of course, involve an emphatic response and an altruistic behavior. However, compassion is defined as the emotional response when perceiving suffering and involves an authentic desire to help

As it says above, compassion is something that is linked with many other emotions, and without these links it would be difficult to actually express it, In my mind empathy goes hand in hand with compassion, being able to identify with someone else feelings and to help them either understand them, or actually feel along with them.

compassion 2

Without compassion this world would be horrible, everyone would just fight and no one would actually be there for anyone else.

 compassion 1

Ten Things of Thankful #81

I haven’t written for a while and to be honest it’s because I have been in a dip and this dip has made it very difficult for me to step up and take an steps towards the light,

My friend has been doing Ten things of Thankful for a long time and from time to time I’ve added a few posts in but recently I’ve struggled to do this, however as this is the new year I have decided I am going to take a stand and start to be thankful again.

I am very thankful to my husband, who despite having to deal with another one of our friends struggling has stood by me throughout the whole of my depression and has pulled me out of the spiral pit and out of the whole and away from all of the temptation of just falling away. I’m thankful to spend Christmas with family, I spent time with all of the members of my family at various points over the period and this was nice, especially to see some of the members of my family that we hasn’t seen for a while. Christmas was a bit hectic with last minute plans but it was worth it. I’m thankful for the mad and crazy friends that I have and that I spent New Years Eve with, this was spent at my friends house, having good food and drink (non alcoholic for me) and playing a rather epic game of Cards Against Humanity, which has us in all stitches at various points. I’m thankful for new meds and the fact that they seem to be working, the pain in my shoulder is slowly becoming more manageable which is allowing me to have more movement, however I still have no feeling in my right arm, who knows maybe it’s a step in the right direction. The wonderful feeling that this time of year gives when you can give a gift to someone and see the smile on their face and the sparkle in their eyes, I made ginger bread for a lot of the crazy friends on New Years and seeing them all have sparkles in their eyes and to see that they were generally really grateful for their gingerbread. My hubby also really likes the presents I got him.. hopefully he’ll like his birthday ones as well…The weather, I know most people hate the weather this time of year, but I enjoy it, mainly because it’s far easier to wrap up warm and it’s far easier to put on layers to be warm instead of being hot and not being able to do nothing about it. Obviously being out in the rain isn’t great but it’s still nice to wear a big warm coat. I also enjoy being able to snuggle up to my hubby and cover in blankets, drink hot chocolate and watch films… or Morse.  Sleep. I enjoy sleep, I also enjoy the fact that I can now finally sleep, granted I tend to sleep at stupid times and in the car and during the day and struggle to sleep at night sometimes, however I enjoy it when I do, and it appears to help when I do.I like the fact that I can write what I feel and I can express this out loud, I like the fact that my hubby is understanding and will always be there for me, he makes me see the best in myself and encourages me to take steps forward for myself but also to help with keeping me safe. I love the fact that he is mine. I love the fact that I can put on the three songs that mean so much to both of us and we know the words and know that they symbolise more than just our wedding day but they are the songs that show the past 7 years and the years that will follow, that they can bring a smile to my face and his. The way that we can spend hours sat together on the sofa without saying a word knowing that there is love between us and that it is never going to change and that we can spend hours playing games together. He is my rock.

”Ten

still invisible

It’s been a while since I last posted on here, or anywhere. I’ve just been spending time trying to get rid of the pain and get back to work… however I’m still off work and still in pain.. I still have no feeling in my right arm and have burnt my hand a couple of times. but hopefully once I’ve seen the neurologist and had an MRI they’ll be able to tell me something so that I can get back to work and my normal life.

just short

I’m still in a lot of pain but thankfully I’m now on a different load of painkillers which are working. I’ve got my fist physio session tomorrow which will hopefully help aid me a bit more and make me feel more normal.

The bruises have now started to show, so I’ve got a big bruise on my right shoulder and down across my chest also on my right hip which is rather sore and one on my right knee 😦 

This weekend we went to our cousins wedding which was an amazing thing, We both really enjoyed it… 

 

Short but sweet

Rawr

Pain

So,

It’s three days since the accident and to be honest I’m still in just as my pain now and I was when the damned thing happened. 

My shoulders and aching and sore and I’m lacking movement in my right arm, my right arm has pins and needles pretty much all the time and I’m lacking feeling in most of my right hand which is very bizarre.

I’ve been put on some meds which help with the pain most of the time, but I’d feel better if the pain would just sod off altogether so I can feel normal again…

On a slightly more positive notes I am enjoying looking for new cars and can’t wait to find the one that will be my next car… hehe

 

17th July

So yesterday, it didn’t go the way that I initially planned. I had planned to go the doctor and then head off to the pack to meet up with some friends… Went to the GP where I was saw the doctor who assured me things were ok and that she wanted me to have a standard blood test which I planned to do today (18th). Came home and fetched the hubby and we headed towards the park….

On the way to the park our plans took a turn for the worse. We got hit by a car! and then I ended up spending 4 hours in a neck brace and then strapped to a spinal board. My car has been written off (they had to cut the roof off). Luckily I’m just bruised and aching but I also have tingling and numbness throughout my right arm, it’s not fun.

I’m on strong anti-inflammatory medications and diazepam to help with the pain throughout the day, which is kinda working but isn’t great, so the pain is radiating through my body, it’s very painful